...I know it seems strange, but things - they change.

Yeah, we are not nineteen forever. Nineteen, the very end of the teenage years, when you can still use the excuse "but I'm just a child", then in a fraction of a minute it's over and you stumble to the grown-up world, where everything is harder and your decisions are not tiny mistakes that can be fixed by someone smarter, but big screw-ups that eventually and painfully transform who you are and create who you will be. It really is amazing how much truth can some lovely lyrics contain. I've always been a lyrics-junkie, but nowadays I'm even more so, because in some weird sense they can give answers to a few of those everlasting questions of my life. Not solutions, but answers. It's interesting how as a child, we are taught to look for a solution, a meaning, the one and only result of the equation, but as we get older, it's enough to find acceptance, and an answer that won't make the problem go away, but gives some strength to survive. I truly think that the key to happiness is taking what you get, accepting the world as it is, and standing up each and everytime after falling and falling. It's a pity it's so damn hard. But of course, nobody said it was easy.

I'd like to apologize in advance if my upcoming drawings all turn out to be a bit melancholic or depressive. As I said many times before, my art is pure therapy for me, and I've realized this more than ever since I started an art school, where they want me to be someone I am not. I've never thought that there's such a huge difference between being an artist and doing art. I am most certainly not an artist. Unlike tons of people here on DA, I cannot be innovative and artistic. After all, creativity desires a daring personality, and mine is quite the opposite, I choose the old path instead of the new one in every situation I can, and if I can't, I don't feel safe anymore but scared and unstable. I'm pretty sure this is there in all my drawings, just like in my technique, which is something I came up with all by myself after years of experimenting, and now it got called boring and simplistic by professionals, all I can feel is I cannot let it go and I cling to it more than ever. I know now that an artist is open to all kinds of new suggestions, and willing to change, but these are things I cannot do. Which is perfectly fine, by the way, I just wish I would have been able to realize it earlier. Along with many other things. But I'd rather not talk about this anymore. In "Good Omens", Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett say that life is like a poker game. But I've always thought it's more like a board game, as it is going round and round, but never in the same way. Some rounds are better than others, some really suck. And of course, there is no end of the circle, you just have to keep on playing and rolling the dice again and again. And you want to keep rolling it, because no matter how many times you get screwed, the mere hope is always there that the next round is going to be better. There are many many players next to us, most of them we cannot even see, but eventually, we are all playing our own little game in which there is nobody else to blame when things turn out bad. Nobody rolls the dice for us. We make our decisions, and we have to take the consequences. Sometimes I wish we could leave the board for a little while and see from a distance where we are going and what is the point of all of it. But everything looks perfect from far away. Memories change from a distance, sad moments disappear, the big mistakes get forgotten, but in the end we all know that we had to make those mistakes to get to the next step. From a distance, it is clear that the game has neither an end nor a beginning. But playing it means that we are in the constant fear that it could stop. We know that it keeps going, but the mere fear of seeing it all fall down helps us to go on and on. This may sound messed up, but... I'm a pretty messed up person anyway.

As usual, I got carried away again with talking nonsense, but I just remembered one thing I wanted to mention. The new New Moon trailer is great indeed, but it makes me really irritated that people all around the web keep on saying it's gonna be sooo much better than Twilight. Yes, it will be bigger, louder, shinier and more colourful, but better... well, all I can say that money is not everything. Sure, now they can create a real blockbuster and really amaze people, but I'm really annoyed by comments like "even the trailer looks way better than the whole Twilight movie". I also hope it will be good, but I doubt it can be decided by a trailer. And besides, maybe it will be full of special effects and dramatic scenes, but good luck outdoing that part in Twilight when Edward voice falters saying "I'm gonna make it go away, Bella" and "Let me sign" comes in. Good luck indeed.

Finally, as always, I realized in the last minute my subscription is going to expire soon, so I've reformed my gallery a bit and I'd like to feature an amazing artist, ~SpaceStar, cause she would deserve a lot more pageviews. Besides, her art has everything I love, because I'm kind of obsessed with people and expressions, and she can grasp all kinds of personalities with an exceptional sensitivity. I hope she keeps on creating art for a long long time.